" I was constantly fumbling between establishing a sense of self and transforming into an impractical image of who I thought I should be "


"I saw the new calendar my dad had placed on the wall, hanging over the luminous screen of my Gateway computer. A Chinese calendar you could find off a street vendor in Taiwan, with gorgeous calligraphy of Chinese characters, glowing with gold on red radiance. It was a new start. It symbolized his wish for me to have a new start. A new start for all of us. I almost felt crying, like knowing that I blamed and accused my parents for the pain I had been feeling. And he was sorry. It felt like I had finally gotten that attention I had wanted...and now I needed to stop torturing everyone..." 

Sick as a dog. 94.

I've been binging/purging nonstop despite my sore throat, fatigue, stuffy nose, etc, etc. My mom hates me. I don't know if I love Tony anymore. I'm talking with this other kid. I'm being indecisive and stagnating in this stupid phase of my life. I want to go to Korea and train my ass off. I want to get into college. What do I want? What is it, Frances??

Diet/Exercise Plan

Exercise

December 12 - 22

- Wake up at 4 in the morning

- Green tea/water during dance practice, until 6

- School and shaz until 12

- home, more dance practice, green tea/water until 3

- hanging out/free period 4-7

- vocal/dance practice or work-outs 8-10

Winter Break

- Wake up at 4

- Dance until 7

- Vocal practice until 9

- Free time 9-12

- Dance from 1-4

- Free time 5-8

Diet

December 12 - 22

- water/teas/fruit juice/Silk soy milk

- fruits/vegetables

- chicken/fish
- brown rice

- medication, supplements

- nothing out of a fucking container

Winter Break

- water/teas/fruit juice/Silk soy milk

- fruits/vegetables

- chicken/fish
- brown rice

- medication, supplements

- nothing out of a fucking container

Goals and E.D. talk

December 12: 96 [starting weight]

December 15: 93

December 20: 90 

December 25: 88

December 31: 87

January 7: 85

January 14: 82

January 21: 80

January 28: 78

February 2: 76

February 9: 74

February 16: 72

February 23: 71

March 2: 70

HW: 116

LW: 81

SW: 96

GW: 71

Total loss: 25

Time: 79 days

Starting Over.

Damn it. It sucks that you need food to survive. I've been trying to fast for days and I end up binging and purging my guts out. I think I might try a juice fast.

Starting from tomorrow: 

Only:

- Green tea, lemon water, water only

- fruit juices juiced by hand

Day 2

I binged and purged once yesterday and I was still at 92.8. Hmph. That's what I get for cheating, anyway.

I'm so tired of fighting Mom just so I can see Tony. I need to restrict and fly under the radar so she doesn't freak out over everything I do. I think I'm going to stick with fruits/veggies only. It's the only safe thing to do, I freak out over carbs and processed foods. 

INTAKE
BF: [6:30 am] grapefruit: +120

Snack: half a red pepper: +25

Lunch: tangerine: +90

Snack: tangerine: +90

Dinner: half a red pepper: +25

large tomato: +40

OUTTAKE

30 min. run/jog: -100

30 min. pilates/weights: -50

Net so far: +120

Day 1

Woke up at 4. Yesterday was a whirl of...good memories. Yes, me and Tony did hook up, but it was so passionate and breath-taking that I can't regret it, at all. I went over at 2:30 in the afternoon, after having a breakdown when my mom yelled at me for still binging/purging. Sydnie was napping on his bed and he was sitting in a fuchsia circle chair, playing Skyrim. We watched him play for a little bit, maybe an hour or so, smoking two bowls and getting high, laughing at the confused sentences stumbling out of everyone's mouths. We especially found the game glitches amusing, the way his horse would float over the mountain surface as he tried (and succeeded!) in climbing a mountain with a fucking horse, haha.

He made his first move, sitting with me in that circular chair, a blanket folded over our legs. His warmth was tantalizing, and I felt so warm and secure being surrounded by my friends. When Sydnie left, we cuddled on the bed, and I gave him a back massage. The sexual tension was almost unbearable as he cradled my face and massaged my neck and shoulders. Our lips were so close, I could feel our breaths mingling. When we finally kissed, it was euphoric. It was so intense, the way he just grabbed me and tugged me over his body, gripping my body with his large, calloused hands, sliding them down, leaving a trail of fire. I think I might've cried out when his fingers wandered into that sweet crevice between my legs.
Thing is, I'm not sure if I love him romantically anymore. I do share a deep bond with him though. Call us nakama I guess, haha. My Bleach/Ichiruki fangirl heart be still!   

 The previous night, Tony and I had stayed up on the phone until nearly 6 in the morning. I had listened to him cry and I had sang Under the Bridge to him until he stopped. We cheered up as we went through his favorite music. Three Eye Blind, Gorillaz, Rage Against the Machine, RHCP. It was a lovely experience. It was almost movie-like, the way he stopped me to whisper that he loved me. I'm not sure about how I feel for him anymore, but I do know that I love him as a friend. I'm not sure if I love him as more, but I'm going to let time tell. 

[1:49 pm]
Well, I completely failed that exam, haha. Najjam and I cheated/helped each other out, but I did most of the test by myself and only asked for one or two hints. Hahaha, I'm so bad at cheating. I can't stand getting something the dishonest way, but I did shoplift an apple strudel (it was pocket sized) from Marc's. Doy. I really don't like shoplifting/cheating, I hope I don't start these bad habits. Probably not cheating, since I'm an arrogant ass and I think my answers are way better than everyone else's, haha.

I got in a fight with my dad driving home and I cried and screamed and threw a fit. I'm so frustrated that no-one can help me except for myself. I'm strong though, I can handle it. I know I can, I need to step up to the plate and not listen to that voice inside my head that tells me I can't. Fuck that.

From now on, no more soda or sugary, processed foods. I can't stand that shit, it makes me bloat like no other and I feel gross, even after I purge it out.

CW: 92.8